Once a time upon…
Oh we did that already? Of course, of course. Now. Where was I? Oh yes. The name of Mr. & Mrs. Toad Charming’s fifth child. Well quite honestly, in order to tell you his name, you’ll first need to understand just how this little miracle baby came to be…
After the birth of Jello, Princess Lara became restless. Having babies and naming them is one thing. People pretty much pamper you for several months and all you have to endure is a couple of hours of pain, then you get pampered again for about another year. But once the newness wears off and you’re stuck at home, the routine of changing diapers (no no she’s not born yet – the other diapers) all day long and wiping snot off doorknobs and TV screens while your handsome Prince is off managing a few hookers stable kingdom gets old fast. Really fast.
And besides, you don’t want to stay a princess forever, no! You want to be queen one day! So you might as well nose around the kingdom and pick a position that will eventually help you realise your dream. You know, not a job that requires rocket science college degree smarts – just running some little hick town where the people aren’t bright enough to know you’re only pretending to work when you’re actually home in bed eating a Super Moose Crunch Wrap and watching afternoon soaps.
And so it was that Princess Lara finagled her way into the hearts of the good (albeit a little slow) citizens of LaWissa, a small town just a stone’s throw from the castle. Princess Lara would pack up Traffic and Thorn and Jello and take them to school and day care, respectively, then meet friends at the local coffee house for breakfast. After a leisurely walk to the office she would spend an hour chatting up other town big-wigs and making lunch dates with visiting dignitaries. She would stay in the office just long enough to give the impression she knew what she was doing, toss a few important-sounding chores to her minions and then announce it was time for lunch.
After a leisurely lunch at a posh restaurant (with or without a dignitary) Lara would again drop by the office to see that the man she hired (with the town’s money, of course) to actually do her job was actually – you know – doing it. She would then announce it was time to pick up her children and take them home. This meant she was home every day by 3pm. (Who knew that jam-fingered anklebiters would turn out to provide such brilliant excuses for showing up late and leaving early from work!)
And so it was that after a hard day of managing to do hardly anything at all, our little Princess Lara would tuck herself neatly into her warm bed while the children and Daddy Toad were left to their alone time. So they could bond. No really, that was it. So they could bond.
But even this sweet arrangement became tedious after a time and Lara found herself longing for the days when people fell over themselves for the privilege of pampering her.
Thus was born the child she called Diaper.
Unfortunately, this time the pregnancy didn’t go to plan. There’s no maxim that says the older a woman gets the easier a pregnancy becomes and Princess Lara, now in her late thirties didn’t derive the same pleasures with her fourth pregnancy that she’d enjoyed during the first three. On the contrary, this time her ankles swelled, her back hurt, she had Braxton-Hicks pains for two full months and the baby kicked at her bladder non-stop in the third trimester. This was pretty much a sign of game over for Princess Lara the Baby Maker. She arranged to have her tubes tied once the baby was born.
If you’re keeping Traffic track, this is an important bit of information. Princess Lara had a tubal ligation after the birth of her fourth child.
And people knew.
(Sorry… Someone’s at the door. We’ll need to resume tomorrow!)