Once a time upon…
…in a land far, far away lived a beautiful princess named Lara and her husband, Prince Charming. The prince was a mere toad before Princess Lara kissed him, turning him from a simple pond-skimming toad into a handsome prince. In fact, Princess Lara continued to call her husband Toad, even after they married. It was like a sentimental secret that only they shared. The kiss, you see, had been an accidental one, occurring when she fell into a pond face first just as a fat toad was jumping up to catch a fly. But they told no one. It was their little secret and it always made them smile.
Prince Toad and Princess Lara went on to have a beautiful family but the first thing Princess Lara discovered about becoming a parent was how difficult it was to select baby names, especially ones that would please all her relatives and husband. There were just too many ideas and names from which to choose. So from the beginning, the Princess decided since she couldn’t please everyone she wouldn’t even try and each time she found herself pregnant, she would wander the kingdom looking about until some inanimate object Tripped her Trig made her giggle and that’s the name she would pick. And of course any name sure to raise eyebrows made her giggle with added glee.
For instance, after pulling off the road to watch a beautiful sunset she became distracted by a long line of cars on the horizon. The cars were all lit up with bright red taillights. So shiny and flashy was the parade of vehicles that careened past her that evening, she clapped her hands and thought perfect! And so it was, Princess Lara named her first child Traffic.
The second child became known as Thorn after the princess reached for a beautiful pink rose in the Royal Garden but pricked her finger on the bristly bush instead. (She’d wanted to name the baby Bristle, actually, but Toad put his foot down as there was a shanty in town called The Bristly Bear Bar & Grill and he adamantly didn’t want people mixing up his soon-to-be daughter with the local whore house, honky-tonk, dive, bar & grill where cheap women served even cheaper booze and greasy bear burgers. So Bristle became Thorn and Thorn grew up to appreciate her briery name.
The third child was called Jello. You see, Traffic, as a young lad would eat little else. It was his favourite dessert and he craved it morning and night, day in and day out. Princess Lara thought this cute at first, but when she was with-child again, she grew weary of the gelatinous goo. One day Princess Lara was forced to hire a cook so her son would stop nagging her. After all, her young offspring couldn’t possibly appreciate how difficult a task making Jello was for our delicate princess.
The fourth child was simply named Diaper and after watching Princess Lara chase after her other three children I’m guessing one needs no further explanation. Toad would have objected but after working hard all day at his massage parlor, in the kingdom, he was just too puckered tuckered out to care.
And while it’s nice to know the history of Traffic, Thorn, Jello and Diaper, this story isn’t about them. No, this story is about Lara and Toad’s fifth child, a magical baby the world would come to know as Little…
(to be continued)