I’ve gone right to sleep but it’s so warm and humid this week the bedding has that slightly damp feeling when you slip into the covers. My hair is tacked in a bun on the very top of my head so it doesn’t stick to my neck and choke me when I turn. The A/C has been on all evening, but still it’s quite muggy. Might as well be having hot flashes. At least they don’t last all night.

Funny things trigger dreams. Or maybe nothing at all. Coincidence? I dunno. But I’m thinking it’s the muggy dampness of my bed combined with the horrible movie I fell asleep watching that triggered the dream I had last night:

My spouse and I are at this party. Some unidentifiable friends house. There’s a big lounge, lots of people milling about to our right. We are standing in a foyer by the front door. On the other side is another lounge with more people milling about.

Suddenly the front door (which was already standing open) burst open and two men rush past us and begin slashing people to the right and left of us. Spouse whips out his cell and dials triple-0. I can hear him arguing with someone on the other end. I ask if an ambulance is on it’s way. He says he doesn’t think so, and I realize he is on talk-radio. The DJ’s voice can be heard behind me as if coming from a radio in another room. He’s asking spouse the question “so tell us what happened in your own words.”

Desperate times call for desperate measures, I think and whip out my cell (which is odd because I don’t own one…) and dial 9-1-1. A voice comes on and tells me I need to know the exact number before I can dial. I tell the operator I need ambulances, that there’s men (who now seem to be gone – where did they go?) slashing people with knives and we need help! HELP!

The operator calmly tells me, again, that I need to know the correct number before I can place a call. (sigh) “Fine” I say through gritted teeth, “then give me the correct number.” Silence. Then finally, “well I can’t do that. I’m not that sort of operator.” I hear spouse shouting ‘OK SEND FIVE AMBULANCES WE’LL WAIT HERE!” and I hang up. (Wait – do you ‘hang up’ a cell or ‘click-off”?).

Now spouse and I and about three or four other people (none of whom appear capable of speech) are sitting at a kitchen table, still in the foyer, staring at a table covered with dirty dishes. Did we just eat? All around us people are bleeding and groaning. The clock is ticking away and we’re waiting for the ambulances. We’re very uncomfortable.

Finally an ambulance arrives. Two Blue Nurses (Blue Care Australia is a service that cares for people in their homes) emerge from the back of the ambulance, which also appears to double as a limo. Both women appear to be in their 80’s. One is so frail that as she gets to the front door she tips over like a Weeble and falls flat on her face. The other one waddles over (she’s actually waddling, just like a goose) and straightens the other nurse. The two start talking about washing their hands before getting started. They ask for a sink and spouse points to the kitchen. The two are ever-so-slowly waddling off, discussing which handsoap they each prefer and I just lose it.

Though screaming at the top of my lungs so hard my throat hurts, I can’t hear any sound. So I scream harder. ‘WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! CAN’T YOU SEE THE…” I can actually feel myself pushing through the haze of sleep and the words “BLOOD AND GUTS… DO SOMETHING!” come streaming from my lips like an ice cold water balloon jettisoned from a three-story building and carefully aimed at spouse’s head causing him to jump out of a sound sleep and off the bed. I know I’m out of the fog now because I distinctly hear cussing.

‘CRAP!” is what I heard. Then, I guess realizing I was having a nightmare, spouse held me until I was fully back to sleep.

But that’s not really the weird bit. I have incredibly bizarre dreams a few times a year. This is the weird bit. This is our complete, uneditted conversation, the first words spoken to each other since the middle of the night screaming-mimis. It was during morning coffee:

Him “So – remember yesterday afternoon when I took a piece of glass out of your foot?”
Me “Yup.”
Him “Remember how that old fable goes about the rabbit and the lion and the thorn?”
Me “uh-huh”
Him “You owe me.”

Me “Huh?”

Several minutes later he added “Oh and about your nightmare; The thing that really scared me was knowing I’d eaten your homemade pizza too!”

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