As an old friend of mine used to say, “Well this just tears it.” Oz Mudflats has some breaking news for all of you and I hope you’re strong enough to handle it. I’ve been getting tips for months now and am finally ready to uncover the sad, miraculous yet ugly truth behind the Trig-Palin-Who’s-Your-Mommy-Little-Ruffled-Ears birth.
WARNING: Do not operate heavy machinery or sip hot beverages while reading this post.
To begin: Muffy, Buffy and Fluffy, as the triplets names were first meant to be, arrived earlier than anticipated, throwing a proverbial wrench into Sarah’s political plans. But then a stroke of luck; The doctor said the babies had to be a certain weight before they could be released from the hospital, which gave Sarah another month to prepare for their public debut, and also too gave the family time to talk Sarah out of letting Piper name the boys after the bunny rabbits she’d always wanted but never got.
Trig was the first brother big enough to show off in public. Sarah strapped on the prosthetic belly and dragged Todd all over Washington D.C. and Texas, giving speeches and smiling into cameras proving a woman could fake be eight months pregnant and still wear stilettos and short skirts without falling over or looking haggard. (No water-retention here folks, keep it moving…) She planned a flamboyant escape, splashy exit from Texas, complete with an unwitnessed car chase in the dead of night on wintry roads, from the airport in Anchorage to the hospital in Mat-Su Valley. There she got a good night’s sleep endured 10 hours of labour, delivered the little Triglets bub and arranged for her parents to debut the biggest one little guy in front of invited-only press in an unnamed hospital corridor the following day to give the appearance show her fans she’d been too frazzled from childbirth to face the cameras.
But just 72 hours later, bright and early on Monday morning, as if shedding the effects of childbirth were as easy as changing shoes, Sarah, looking fit and sleek as a runway model, took little Trig to work… also to the hair dresser after stroller[ing] him up and down Main St. Alaska proving to the lower 48 a wilderness woman can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan and still have enough energy left over to delegate diaper duties to a drooling staff, keeping her hands free to handle a latte and play freecell on her blackberry. She even let her co-conspirators friends throw her a baby shower.
It was at this baby shower, however, that one of her *high school adversaries pointed out the little ruffles on Trig’s ear. Hmm. This won’t do.
*It should be noted that not being able to find enough ‘actual friends’ to attend Sarah’s baby shower meant Ivy Whatshername resorted to inviting women who had been in Sarah’s class, regardless of their relationship with her. So a couple of women who still bore irrational grudges against Sarah for her unethical fair and balanced behaviour towards them in high school were there, eager to point out the first flaw they could find in Sarah’s perfect little world. No, the ruffled ears wouldn’t do.
When’s that next baby going to be ready anyway? He better be picture-perfect and cherub-chubby before they go on the road with the McCain campaign.
Sarah got her wish (as Sarah always does) and just before embarking on tour as the V.P. nominee, Trig’s other brother Trig (the one with the pretty, round ears) was finally ready to come out of take his place in the prop closet spotlight.
A few months later, after losing the election but successfully fooling the public, passing her oldest daughter off as the national face of abstinence, an unwed pregnant teen, it was time to unveil the third Triggle Triglet triplet – little Trip. But just to be sure no one put it together that the babies might be closer in age than advertised, Trip was conveniently kept out of the scrutinous, public eye.
Here’s the thing. Sarah’s been trying to tell us the truth all along. She has. She’s left us clue after clue as to the true parentage of Trig, the other brother Trig and little Trip but we’ve just been too thick to listen or see. We never stepped far enough outside the box to deduce the whole picture. Until now. So step back, take a deep, deep breath – steady yourself. I know once you see all the clues together, you’ll agree with me how obvious it all should have been from the start.
Here were the clues…
**There are no public photos of Sarah and Todd during any of her first four pregnancies.
**In the family photos taken in late 2007, early 2008, Sarah and Todd are always standing behind one or more of their young daughters.
**While there are photos published of the 2008 Texas Big oil, Republican Governors Sommin-Sommin Convention of Sarah with her fake belly, there are none of Todd.
**No one ever saw Todd help Sarah on or off the airplanes, carrying her luggage or helping her in and out of chairs during their wild ride from Texas to Alaska. We assumed this meant Sarah wasn’t pregnant. But…
**Sarah states in her book that each time she was pregnant Todd was always off on the North Slope. Every time.
**Todd spends long periods of time in the snow, dressed in bulky clothing, only appearing in public long enough to grab a trophy.
**Todd goes incommunicado for long periods of time, for purposes of pretending to be building houses or secret cabins, suspiciously coinciding with the final months of Sarah’s pregnancies.
So there you have it. I invite you to connect the dots yourself. Sarah Palin is not the mother of the Palin Triggles – Todd is.
Our fault Sarah – we should have known you would never have lied to the public without having a darn good reason. I apologize for us all.
* * *
This entire post was inspired by the inspirational words of Elstun Lauesen (in his piece at the Mudflats) when he referred to Fox News commentators as the Downer Triplets. Outstanding, thoughtful piece. I highly recommend using this link.
It’s also inspired another which I’ll be calling The Downer Syndrome – coming soon to a blog near you!
To comment on this post, please scroll up to the title The Trouble With Triggles and click on the word comments just beneath. Thanks, OzMud